No use crying over frozen peas

I almost started crying in the freezer section at Safeway today.  I was trying to find a reasonably sized package of frozen peas.  I finally found one I liked and when I grabbed it out of the freezer I was brought back to all the other times I had pulled frozen veggies out of the case.  You would think that would be pretty common but I don’t often eat frozen vegetables. My grandparents, however, did and I did most of their grocery shopping for the last year or so of their lives.

So there I am standing in the middle of the freezer section when I get one of those slams to the heart.  I took a couple breaths and it passed, but, man, it hurt.

Losing my grandparents has been a lot harder than I expected.  I had lost my mom, their daughter, three years before my grandparents and that was pretty awful.  The year before I lost one of my cousins who was only in her early forties and left a seven year old daughter.  That was fucking rough.  I had been preparing myself to lose my grandparents for at least ten years.  They were in their nineties for Pete’s sake.  But it was so hard at the time and it continues to be hard.

I don’t know if it is because it was another loss in a line of loss and heartache and hardship for me.  Maybe I thought I was due for a break and instead lost two of my favorite people within six weeks.  It might have hit me hard because I knew they missed my mom as much as I do.  Having people who understand what you’re going through makes it easier.

I typed that last sentence and was reminded how alone I felt through the whole time my grandparents were in hospice.  My mom and I were always very close with her parents but not necessarily her brothers and their families.  My dad was close with my grandparents but it was different.  My brother was as lackadaisical with his relationship with Grammy and Grampa as he is about everything in his life.

The night my Grampa died my dad wasn’t there.  He was at work.  To be honest, I’ve blocked it a bit because I was so frustrated with everyone, but work is the only reason he wouldn’t have been there so I have to assume that’s where he was.   He came later but I remember one of my aunts hugging me and I just wanted to shove her off of me.  Why was she touching me?  This person I saw maybe once a year.  I tolerated her hug because I was aware it might not have been me she was trying to comfort but rather herself.

Gram was in hospice for almost two months but when she took a turn it was about thirty six hours till she passed.  I again found myself in a room full of people who despite being family didn’t know me and who I was sick of.  At one point, I could feel myself starting to lose it so I got up and left the room to be alone.  I went into a private room in the hospice and closed the door behind myself.  I decided to call my dad, who again was at work, when someone knocked on the door and opened it.  I was hysterically crying at this point so it was obvious there was someone in the room.  I hurried to the door to get rid of whoever it was.  My uncle opened the door and started to ask if I was ok.  I don’t really remember exactly what he said as I shoved the door closed in his face telling him I was on the phone with my dad.

I know he was just trying to check on me.  I know he was being nice.  But I don’t know you.  I left the room to get away from you people and now you put me in a situation where I feel even worse for being rude to you.  That moment was literally the worst I’ve ever felt in my life.  I don’t remember what I said on the phone to my dad, besides telling him I didn’t feel like I could talk in case my uncle was still right outside the door.

It’s only right that I admit that many of my people had offered to come sit with me.  My friends and members of my dad’s side of the family had all said they would come up whenever I needed them.  All of them would have come at the drop of a hat had I asked.  But I told everyone no because in those moments I was speaking to them I was ok and surrounded by people.  The problem is I was not surrounded by my people.   I later told my dad that it really sucked that my favorite aunt, his sister, had been in Florida at the time.  I had told her not to come home even though she had offered.  I am in no way mad at her or disappointed, it just would have been easier with her.  My father promptly informed me to never tell her that as she had expressed some distress over the issue.

Death is hard no matter the circumstances.  I don’t know why some hit me harder than others.  Like everything in life I just try to learn from it.  So next time I really need someone, I’m going to ask.  And I’m going to keep reminding myself that intentions count and you have to give people credit for trying.  Sadly, there are only going to be more and more of these occasions as I get older.

As I was just getting ready for bed I noticed that my glass of wine had turned my mouth blue and was reminded of a visit to Grammy in hospice.  I went to see her every day after work but one day I met a friend for drinks first and ended up having a couple of glasses of red wine.  When I got to the hospice I passed a mirror and realized my lips and tongue were very blue.  So before I went to see my Gram I used a cup of coffee like mouthwash to hopefully de-blue.  It made me laugh tonight as it did at the time, especially since my gram didn’t drink and might not even have known why my mouth was blue.

I’m going to keep trying to remember the funny things and the good times.  And maybe this year I’ll be ready to make her stuffing for Thanksgiving.

The hunt continues…

Looking for a job is the worst.  I don’t know that there is anything that makes me feel so badly about myself.  The entire process is set up to make you feel like crap.  No wonder most people hate their jobs.  By the time you find anything, you’re so desperate you’ll take it.

How do you translate life into a one or two page resume?  How do you get across in a one page cover letter enough information to show who you are and all the good things you will bring to the position?

I’m sure there are tons of articles out there from professionals answering these questions.  But everyone reads the same stuff, makes their resumes and cover letters meet those guidelines.  So it’s back to everyone’s materials looking the same.

How do I get across that my resume is a mess because I moved home to be with my dying mother?  How do I sell my best traits: being a real people person and that I’m crazy smart.  The application process is not set up to allow me to say this.

Who hasn’t sat in a job interview and just straight up lied?  I certainly have, and I hate it.  That is not me.  How good am I at Excel? To be honest, not great.  But it’s 2017, so I just Google it.  I had a job that involved a lot of work in Excel.  My boss would call me into his office and tell me what he wanted me to do.  I’d take extensive notes, assure him I knew what I was doing, go back to my desk, Google it and get it done.  He never had any complaints about my work.  The fact that I called out the hugely inappropriate behavior bordering on sexual harassment that happened frequently in the office that he had complaints about.

I’m trying hard to network.  Talk to people about what I’m looking for, talk to anyone about my job hunt.  I have high hopes that this is going to be a better way to find a job.  I’d love to end up somewhere I know a bit about first.  What is the work culture like?  Because just as much as the applicants lie in the interviews, so do the interviewers.   I want inside information.

I don’t know what the answer is for a better application process; I just know the way it is doesn’t work.  Who knows, maybe it just doesn’t work for me.  Maybe there are other people out there who hear back from every job they apply to, who are getting interview after interview.  People who aren’t sitting at home wondering if they’re gonna end up taking some awful job just to have a job.  That sounds extra awful.  I know I’m so lucky to be able to not work for a bit, but I just continue to be baffled by a system that is not set up to help employees or employers.