There’s been a lot rolling around in my mind lately. One of the things I keep coming back to is weight loss and looks. Like half the population of America, I’ve been trying to lose weight. I’ve never really considered myself fat, though for a long time my BMI has said I’m overweight. But a couple years ago I had a personal tragedy and ate a lot of my emotions.
Within the last couple of months, I feel like I’ve finally gotten it under control. While I’m not exactly eating like a winner, lots of yoga and running and working out seems to finally be paying off. I am, however, one of those weird people who is visibly slimmer, but the scale shows I’m down two pounds. Two freaking pounds. That can be very discouraging.
I’m excited to be getting thinner. I think I look better and obviously working out is good for my health. And I’m also motivated by a fear of waking up one day at age 50 and realizing I’m 25 lbs overweight and having to fight like hell to lose anything let alone 25 lbs.
I’ve been joking that since I’m single, I’m the only one who has been really enjoying my weight loss. And it’s a bit of a double edged sword. I do feel better about myself and my appearance. But at the same time it doesn’t really help my self-esteem. I’ve always liked to think of myself as a pretty cool and interesting person. So what happens if I see a marked improvement in my love life once I lose weight? Does it really matter? I’ll admit to not having an amazing view of dating. While I’ve never had any traumatic romantic experiences myself, I find myself surrounded by some fantastically messed up relationships. So is this really a form of self-sabotage? If I blame guys for only paying attention to me once I’ve lost weight, am I really just cutting off my nose to spite my face?
Why does the media have to give us such hugely unrealistic expectations about appearances? Logically, I know that the people I see on tv, in movies and magazines don’t really look like that. The vast majority of them, without the help of a makeup artist, hair stylist, costume designer and lighting guy look pretty much like the rest of us. But emotionally it’s hard to separate fantasy from reality.
Talking about this with my best friend, I asked her who the hottest guy she has ever met in real life is. She, like me, did not have an immediate answer. Eventually she came up with a guy at her work. She sent me a picture and I didn’t really think he was all that cute. Which brings us to the joys of personal taste. She and I have very different taste in men. We are no longer allowed to discuss which Hemsworth brother is cuter because that discussion has turned violent. Could I teach myself to find normal guys more attractive?
As my friend and I discussed hot guys, several of the guys we discussed, though hot, are real jerks. It seemed to be pretty common in our experience that a guy who knows he’s hot, turns into a bit of a douche. One of my cousins is married to a guy who probably does hold the title of most attractive guy I’ve ever met in real life. When I first met him, I’d find myself being awkward and tongue tied around him. He and my cousin live about four hours away and I don’t see them often. After a while, once I got to know him, I realized he’s kind of a putz. After that it was a lot easier to be around him. Why would I need to worry about what this guy who is freakishly attractive on the outside thinks of me, when he’s pretty ugly on the inside?
I didn’t start out writing this meaning to pose a bunch of unanswerable questions. But they really have helped me tackle this nonsense a bit. While working out and losing weight to look better is fine, I need to remember it is as much about being healthy and proactive. And I would never want men to compare me to people on tv, so I need to stop doing that to them. Life is complicated enough without having all these unreal expectations.
And I really do like yoga. It’s fun. I’m not great at it, but I like it.
ethel isn't really my name 